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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
One day, Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome in golf. Moses steps up to the tee and gives the ball a good wack. He sees that his ball is heading towards a water hazard, so he raises his club and the water parts and the ball rolls safely to the green. Then Jesus hits his golf ball, and it is heading for the same water hazard, so he raises his club and the ball lands on the top of the water and doesn't sink. He then casually walks out onto the water and chips it onto the green. The third person then took his turn. He took a hard swing, and the ball flew off to the left towards a nearby road. The ball hit a car then bounced off back towards the course and it was directed it towards the water hazard. A bullfrog hopped onto the lily pad and ate the ball, after that, an eagle swooped down and picked the bullfrog up in its tallons. the ball proceeded to pop out of the bullfrogs mouth, and fell onto the green, where it rolled into the hole. Moses then turns to Jesus and says, "I hate playing with your dad."
Did you hear that the church just decided that sixteen-year-olds will be called on missions? The new policy has met with overwhelming approval from the members. The reasoning is that they already know everything and their moms won't cry at their farewells.
A priest & pastor are standing by the side of the road with a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn around before it's too late!" They hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires & a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
A Catholic priest went into a barber shop for a haircut. When he was finished, the barber refused to take payment saying, "You are a man of the cloth... this is a free service that I offer to you." The Priest thanked the barber and went on his way. The next morning the barber found seven fishes and seven loaves of bread on his doorstep in gratitude from the priest.
The next week, a Jewish Rabbi went into the same shop for a cut. Again the barber refused payment saying, "You are a man of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber found a fitting gift from the Rabbi.
The following week, two LDS Missionaries went into the shop for haircuts. Again, the barber refused payment saying, "You work in the service of God... this is a free service that I offer to you." The next morning the barber arrived to find 12 LDS Missionaries on his doorstep.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher, she's dead."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Little girl in Primary is drawing a picture of a biblical scene. The teacher looks over her should and see that child has drawn an airplane w/ several windows and passengers. The teacher, curious, asks what biblical scene this might be. The little girls says, "This is Joseph and Mary's flight into Egypt."
Looking further, the teacher replies, "I recognize Joseph and Mary and the baby Jesus, but who is that flying the plane?"
The little girl says, "Oh, that's Pontius Pilot"
An ambulance was called to a High Priest meeting one Sunday.
The paramedics came to the meeting house and ran into the room where the High Priests were meeting.
The room was full. After a few minutes, one came out confused and said to a passerby
"We were told the patient had lost consciousness and was unresponsive".
We... can't figure out which man it is."
Two elderly women (90's plus) were discussing life on their front porch when one said, "You know what's really worrying me?" Her friend answered "No, what's really worrying you?" "I am so old all my friends in the celestial Kingdom will be thinking I didn't make it!"
Johnny's mom looked out the window & noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly & he was preaching to it. She smiled & went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing & ran back to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water. She called out, "Johnny, stop! The cat is afraid of water!" Johnny looked up & said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."
A little girl asked her mom, "How did humans appear?" The mom said, "God made Adam & Eve & they had offspring." Later she asked her dad & he said, "Humans evolved from monkeys." The confused girl returned to ask her mom; "Mom, how is it possible that humans were created by God & dad said they evolved from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well dear, I told you about my side of the family & your dad told you about his."
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "Show & Tell" assignment & ask students to bring something to represent their religion. The first boy got in front of the class & said, "My name is Ben & I am Jewish & this is a Star of David." The second boy got up & said, "My name is Thomas & I am Catholic & this is the Crucifix." The last boy went up & said, "My name is Johnny & I am Mormon & this is a casserole."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
A primary teacher was asking her 5-year-old students, "Who would like to go to heaven?"
All raised their hands except little Sally.
"Don't you want to got to Heaven Sally?" the teacher asked.
Sally replied, "I can't. My mommy told me to come right home after church".
A priest was preparing a man for his long journey into the night. Firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil." The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order; the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
A blurb from Rolley and Wells column, SL Trib:
Two Mormon missionaries in dark suits on bikes recently were left motionless and speechless when two scantilly clad female joggers passed them at Sego Lilly Lane and 1300 East in Sandy.
In fact, they didn't notice a Sandy City police car behind them, until the officer advised over his loudspeaker, "Think of a hymn, elders."
Three friends die and go to heaven. They are asked, "When you are in your casket and people are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say 'Look, He's Moving!'"
A Baptist preacher, a Presbyterian minister, and a Mormon Bishop got into a discussion as to which denomination Jesus Christ would belong to. Each claimed that He would belong to his own.
The Baptist preacher declared: "He would obviously be Baptist! We're so on fire with the zeal for God, just like He was when He was on earth. He'd join us in a heartbeat!"
The Presbyterian minister stated: "Not so! He'd be a Presbyterian! We do everything properly and in order, and give the Glory to God, just like He did. He'd join us immediately!"
The Mormon Bishop sat silent for a minute. Then he stated: "Y'all each have some good points, I must admit. But I don't think He'd ever change.
A young Mormon was on his mission, carrying the Book of Mormon in his coat pocket when he was shot by an armed robber. Fortunately, the bullet lodged in the book and saved him. "See," the missionary said to his companion, "that bullet couldn't get through Second Nephi either.
So, God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the
first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" And God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "So, what could I get for a rib?"
And, the rest is history.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just
before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it
necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Annie replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small
child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded,
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a
A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
(Adam) "God, I have two questions concerning my wife, Eve. First, why did you make her so beautiful?
(God) "I made her beautiful so you would be attracted to her"
(Adam) "Why did you make her so stupid?"
(God) "So she would be attracted to you"
Here's a Catholic joke:
Jesus saw the crowd stoning the woman, and stepped forth, shouting, "Let he without sin cast the first stone!" Silence -- then a stone came flying from the crowd, and Jesus turned around saying "C'mon, Mom, I'm trying to make a point here..."
Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't find
her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting
outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said, "Son, we
have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start."
He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one
will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back
You're the Bishop."
A man: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
God: It is but a penny.
A man: God, how long is a million years to you?
God: It is but a second.
A man: God, could you please give me a penny?
God: Sure, just a second.
Sometimes I wake up Grumpy on P-day, but sometimes I let my companion sleep
Mission President to a new Elder:
"When a big mean, dog attacks you elder, just remember, you don't have to run faster than the dog, ...you just have to out run your companion."
Why did the polygamist cross the road? To get to the other bride!
Why didn't the BYU football team do as good this year? Every time they
gained ten yards, they had to give one back for tithing.
One Sunday evening my four year old daughter, Ginger, was explaining the
contents of each of a series of pictures she had received in her primary
class that day. She came to a picture of Jesus surrounded by little
children. One of the children sat on Jesus's knee. In a solemn and reverent
tone, my daughter told us that this was a picture of Jesus asking the
little children what they wanted for Christmas.
A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the
various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"
The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys,
verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says.
Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.
"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
The Pope is sitting in his office and his secretary enters his office and
says: "Um, sir I have a phone call here for you. It appears to be some good
news and some bad news." "Well whats the good news?", asked the Pope. "The
good news is it's Jesus Christ on the line." "Thats great! Whats the bad
news?" "He's calling from Salt Lake City."
Two elders were tracting in deepest Africa when they came across a large
lion. The elders began to run. The slower of the two realized that he would
not be able to out run the lion, he droped to his knees and prayed for
heavenly father to convert the lion. When he open his eyes he saw the lion
on his knees also and heard him say Father in heaven please bless this food
I am about to consume.
An LDS missionary was an enthusiastic but not very capable cook. One day
his companion saw that he was close to tears. " Elder, what's wrong? Did
you get a 'Dear John' today?" Worse! I made a meatloaf for our dinner, but
our landlady's cat ate it.!" "Don't take it so hard, elder. We'll buy her
How can you tell the difference between an IBM salesman and a Mormon
missionary? You can't!
What happens when you get ex-communicated? You get a 10% raise and another
You might be a Mormon if:
Your idea of a good time is playing pictionary in the cultural hall
Your relatives make up more than half of your town
Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of pepsi and a PG-13 movie
You and all of your friends come to your mom for a haircut in her kitchen
You know a high priest isn't a priest on dope
If you think baptizm for the dead is a flooded graveyard, you might not be a mormon
What is a Jack Mormon? A Seagull that won't eat crickets.
Have you heard why all the pictures of Book of Mormon prophets always
depict them with large arms? It's from scripture chasing with the brass
How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!
If it is the Relief Society it take four.
One to fix refreshments.
One to bring the tablecloth.
One to design the Center Piece,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Bishopric, forget it,
they don't do light bulbs.
They call a Priesthood Executive Council
And delegate it to the Elders.
If it is the Elders it takes four.
Three that don't show up, and
One to change the bulb.
If it is the High Priests it take five.
Two to push the wheel chairs.
One to handle the oxygen tank,
One that falls asleep,
And one to screw in the light bulb.
If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,
But you have to wait until the end of the month.
If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.
He holds the light bulb in the socket
And the whole world revolves around him.
Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!
Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that!
Why did God create woman? Because he looked at Adam and said: "Oh, I can do
better than that!"
Do you know why God created Adam first? He didn't want any advice on how to
An Agnostic and an Atheists were married and had a real moral problem on
their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise
their children in.
A true story: It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in
the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to
address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But
it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"
Contributed by President Gordon B. Hinckley
The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College
10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining
7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of
Armageddon, but Finals.
4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They
didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled
an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
My thanks to the First Presidency for this opportunity during which, as you
can see, the lights combine with my cranium to bring some different
"illumination" to this pulpit.
Contributed by the now bald Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the
Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97
Bride on her wedding day: Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!
Mother: Yes, but at which end?
Contributed by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the Seventy during
General Conference on 10/5/96.
On the high expectations placed on mothers. One young mother "felt like the
world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design,
Latin, calculus, and the Internet--all before the baby said something
terribly ordinary, like 'goo goo.'"
Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97
In the car on the way home from Sunday School, we were quizing our four
year old son, Jonathan, about the lessons of the day. "We had a great
lesson today", he said. "It was about two thousand 'stricken lawyers."
A large family drove through Utah and really got into Book of Mormon
culture. They didn't just drive through Manti, Jordon, Lehi, and Bountiful.
One brother called his sister Amoron (a moron) and they all had Nephites
(knee fights) in the car.
If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.
You know you're a Utahn if:
You are 25 years old and completely bald.
Your were an aunt or uncle before the age of 3.
Your spouses mother was pregnant at your wedding.
You have more children that you can find biblical names for.
Your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out.
Peanut butter on the seats of the car is an accessory.
You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.
Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national Holiday: July 24th too.
You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.
You believe you must be 18 years of older to order coffee at a restaurant.
There is a similarity between the L.A. riots and ward basketball.
You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
You negotiate prices at garage sales.
You make Jell-o without a recipe.
You hear about BYU football in a testimony meeting.
A Sunday School teacher was teaching the importance of love in the home.
She illustrated her point by referring to the commandment, "Honor thy father and
thy mother." She then asked if there was a commandment which taught how to treat
sisters and brothers. One little boy from a large family raised his hand
quickly. Innocently he asked, "Thou shalt not kill?"
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter
and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said:
"Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon
to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today.
Wish you could have been there."
Question: How are bishops chosen?
``Answer: The stake leaders find the most righteous, spiritual, most loved person in the ward _
and then they call her husband.''