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Long Jokes and Stories
There are a few things guaranteed to strike fear in the heart of even the strongest war veteran:
--a 3-year old who has just begun wearing big-kid underclothes squatted in the corner with a look of fierce concentration on his face;
--a little tiny voice from the back seat saying 'I gots to use the potty' when you are in bumper to bumper traffic;
--total silence from a room full of children;
--a boom/crash from the other room and the sound of many feet scampering in all directions;
--a boom/crash from the other room...and silence;
--the sound of a flush from a bathroom occupied only by a 2 year old
--all the kids huddled in the corner, whispering, when all you can overhear are the words, "Don't tell Mom!"
The First Parent
by Bill Cosby
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought
that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?", Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making
the elephants.
A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?"
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance
in this story.
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they
haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a
piece of cake for you?
--- Bill Cosby
Please fill out the following Mormon Census Form:
1. _____________________ (Given name)
2. _____________________ (Surname)
3. Descendant of:
A. Adam and Eve _____
B. Cain and Abel _____
C. Laman and Lemuel _____
D. Laurel and Hardy _____
4. Tribe: _____________________
5. Number of occupants in home:
(Categories listed in chronological order)
A. Nursery _____
B. Junior Primary _____
C. Senior Primary _____
D. Young Women’s _____
E. Young Men’s _____
F. Relief Society _____
G. Elder _____
H. Dearly Departed _____
I. High Priest _____
6. Occupation:
A. Amway dealer _____
B. Shaklee dealer _____
C. Nonie juice dealer _____
D. NuSkin dealer _____
E. Melaleuca dealer _____
7. Automobile:
A. Station Wagon _____
B. Van _____
C. Suburban _____
D. School Bus _____
E. Double Decker _____
8. Favorite place to eat the night before Fast Sunday:
A. Chuck-A-Rama _____
B. Hometown Buffet _____
C. Sumo Sam’s All You Can Eat Feeding Trough _____
9. Favorite Hero:
A. Nephi _____
B. Abinadi _____
C. Samuel the Lamanite _____
D. Steve Young _____
E. Johnny Lingo _____
10. Which of the following do you bring to church:
A. Scriptures _____
B. Daytimer _____
C. Pen/Pencil _____
D. Lifesavers _____
E. Tic Tacs _____
F. Game Boy _____
G. Big Gulp _____
H. Cooler _____
I. Sony Walkman _____
J. TV Watch _____
K. All of the above _____
11. Do you prepare your lessons:
A. A month in advance _____
B. A week in advance _____
C. While in the bathtub _____
D. While on the toilet _____
E. During Sacrament Meeting _____
F. During the closing prayer of Sacrament Meeting _____
G. During the opening prayer of the class you’re teaching _____
H. Just wing it _____
12. Do you think pews should be permanently equipped with
Big Gulp holders:
yes___ no ___
13. How many years has your family sat in the same place for Sacrament Meeting:
A. 10-20 years _____
B. 20-30 years _____
C. 30-40 years _____
D. Over 3 generations _____
14. How much time does it take for you to fall asleep during a high council talk:
A. 1/100,000,000th of a second _____
B. 1/99,999,999th of a second _____
C. 1/99,999,998th of a second _____
15. Which day of the month do you go home/visiting teaching:
A. 31st ______
B. 31st ______
C. 31st ______
D. 31st ______
16. How many church basketball fights were you in last year:
A. 1-10 _____
B. 10-20 _____
C. 20-30 _____
D. You’ll have to ask my lawyer _____
17. Which of the following has been your most effective Family Home Evening:
A. Arguing about getting along _____
B. Having an opening and closing prayer with dinner _____
C. Gathering around the television to watch, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" _____
18. How many times a year do you make:
A. Jello salad _____
B. Funeral potatoes _____
C. Cabbage and Top Ramen salad _____
D. Turkey, cashews and grape-stuffed croissants _____
19. How many water-filled two-liter bottles do you own:
A. 1-2 thousand _____
B. 2-3 thousand _____
C. 3-4 thousand _____
D. Enough to fill the Great Salt Lake _____
20. Which of the following do you feel is the most secure facility in the nation:
A. Alcatraz _____
B. Fort Knox _____
C. Ward Libraries _____
21. How many aerodynamic, mechanical and structural engineers do you hire annually to insure you’ll win the pinewood derby: _________
22. Keeping the Word of Wisdom in mind, how much of the following do you consume:
A. Chocolate:_____ pounds daily X 365 days annually = ____
B. Cola: _____ gallons daily X 365 days annually = ____
23. If you had to choose between witnessing the Second Coming or attending a BYU/UofU football game, which would you choose?
A. Second Coming _____
B. Football game _____
A Bishop was holding a leadership meeting. A baby in the nearby nursery was crying, making it difficult for the Bishop to conduct the meeting. He excused himself and left the room. After a couple of minutes he returned and continued the meeting -- not a sound was heard from the baby. At the end of the meeting, one ward member asked him how he got the baby to be quiet. "Simple", said the Bishop. "I ordained him a High Priest and he went right to sleep."
Two missionaries were tracting door to door and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close -- in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."
When the MTC was built in Provo, beautiful green athletic fields were planted so the missionaries would have a place to exercise. However, they were so inviting that BYU students were attracted there, and you would see BYU students out playing touch football, throwing Frisbees, etc., on the missionaries' field. To deal with this problem, a large banner was posted, which read "Missionaries Only."
The next day BYU students were out on the field playing touch football and throwing fisbees. They had a new banner which read, "Every member a missionary.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on his computer. They had been going at it for days,
and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally, God said, "Cool it. I'm going to set up a test that
will run two hours, and i will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They
sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded files. They did every known job.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency, and Satan was faster
than hell.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and of
course the electricity went out. Satan stared at his blank
screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally came back on, and each of them
restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically,
screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the
power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How
did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."
Letter from scout camp
Dear Mom and Dad, We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Bishop Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Bishop Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did; also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Bishop Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Bishop Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Bishop Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up here are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Bishop Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of the cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Bishop Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car, so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed off out first aid merit badge. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Bishop Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. Love, Rob P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
At the start of a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary
rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire
brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was
evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate round to cover the damage.
The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would pass.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for
himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of
God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chair person, who was to appoint a
committee
to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.
The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
The Mormons arrived ten minutes late to the meeting, missing the
fire completely!!!
On the Church bulletin board:.
-- This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptised at both ends.
-- Tuesday at 4PM, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk,
please come early.
-- Wednesday, the Relief Society will meet. Sister Johnson will sing,
"Put Me In My Little Bed", accompanied by the bishop.
-- Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All
those wishing to become little mothers please meet the bishop in his office.
-- This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Sister Johnson to come forward and lay
an egg on the podium.
-- On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward
and get a piece of paper.
-- The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may
be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
-- A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music
will follow.
-- Sign outside a church: "Sermon for Sunday: What is Hell like?"
Just below was the message: "Come in and hear our choir sing."
- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
- Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.
- Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- Bishop Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
- The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
- Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
- 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
- A large billboard on the road in NY State: "When you can't sleep, don't count sheep, talk to the shepherd."
- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Two home teachers went out one Saturday to visit their families. At one
home, it was obvious that someone was there, but nobody came to the door
even though they knocked several times. Finally, the senior companion
took out a piece of paper and wrote the member's name on the card with the
words, "Revelations 3:20" written below it, and stuck the paper in the
crack in the door.
(Revelations 3:20 -- Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone
hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with
him, and he with me).
The next day, on Sunday, the piece of paper was returned to the home
teacher. Below the home teacher's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10"
(Genesis 3:10 -- I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid
because I was naked; and I hid myself).
(A True Story) A little boy came home from Primary one day. His mother
asked him what he learned. He replied, "My teacher told me that I used to
be dust and I would be dust again. Is that true, Mommy?"
"Yes," the mother replied. "A scripture tells us so: 'For dust thou are,
and unto dust shalt thou return.'"
This little boy was wide-eyed and amazed. The next morning, he was
scurrying around getting ready for school, looking for his shoes. As he
crawled under the bed, lo and behold, there he saw balls of dust. He ran to
his mother in wonder, saying, "Oh, Mommy, somebody's under my bed, and
they're either coming or going."
Contributed by Elder Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles
in his book, "The Gateway We Call Death."
There was this Bishopric that went hunting together. After they got out in
the woods and away from everyone they were sitting around in the evening
and talking. The Bishop said, "you know I have one fault that I only do
when I'm hunting, I like to have a cup of coffee when I'm up here hunting,
I just can't help myself." The First Councilor said, "well, since you said
that Bishop, I have to confess when I'm up here hunting I love to have a
cold beer." The Second Councilor said, "I also need to confess I can't
help it either when I'm up here I love to have a big cigar." Then they all
looked at the Executive Secretary and waited for him to say something.
After probing him for a while, he finally said, "OK, I give. I do have one
really bad weakness that I can't control." "What is it?" they asked.
"Well," he said, "I'm a terrible gossiper and I can't wait to get back and
tell everyone what you guys said!"
This guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter gets out his
book on this guy's life and says, "You know, you've lived a pretty average
life, You haven't done anything so bad that I would feel really right about
sending you down below, but you haven't really done anything that good
either. I'll tell you what--if you can tell me just one thing you did
during your life that was really good, I'll let you in."
The guy says, "okay, well I was driving down the highway when I saw this
gang of bikers assaulting this girl. So I slammed on my brakes, grabbed my
tire iron, jumped out of my car and ran straight at the leader of the pack.
He was huge, with a mohawk haircut, hairy all over, and he had a huge link
chain running from his nose to his ear. So I grabbed his chain, pulled as
hard as I could, and whapped him on the head. Then I turned to his gang and
screamed, 'who wants some of this!! Who wants some pain!!!'"
St. Peter is extremely impressed, and says, "wow, I had no idea. That is
really something. When did this happen?"
And the guy says, "oh, about 2 minutes ago."
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an Ark."
And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have
my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.
The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there
was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "Were is my Ark?" A lightning bolt
crashed into the ground next to Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over
whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors
objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish
and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let
me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed
a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a
hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark
without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the
conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map
of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by
leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing
some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at
least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."
"On her first Sunday in a Spanish speaking mission, a sister missionary was
asked to give her testimony to the congregation. She approached the podium
and, trying to convey how embarrassed she was she told the audience "estoy
muy embarasada". She then pointed to the bishop and jokingly said in
Spanish, "and it's all his fault". This bishop's wife stood up and stormed
out of the chapel. After the testimony, the sister's companion told her
that "estoy muy embarasada" doesn't mean I'm very embarrassed, it means I'm
very pregnant!
John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"
St Pete: Spell "Love".
John: L - O - V - E
Pete: That's right, you may enter.
John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?
St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it right, let them in.
John: OK, I can do that.
Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE.
Ralph: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven?
John: Spell LOVE
Harry: L - O - V - E.
John: That's right, come on in.
Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife.
John: What are you doing here?
Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven?
John: Spell Czechoslovakia........
A reporter once visited Billy Gramham and noticed he had a special red
phone on his desk the reporter asked him about it and Billy said "It's my
hotline to heaven." The reporter asked if he could make a call "sure" said
Billy, "but it will cost you $10,000 dollars." The reporter next
interviewed the Pope in Rome and noticed the same special red phone on his
desk. When he asked the Pope said that "Is my hotline to heaven, you may
make a call but it will cost you $100,000 dollars." Latter the reporter
interviewed Pres. Hinkley and noticed a special red phone on his desk. He
asked what it was and Pres. Hinckley said "Thats the hotline to heavan."
The reporter asked if he could make a call. Pres. Hinkley said "sure". "How
much will it cost me?" the reporter asked. "Twenty-five cents", "Why so
little?" "It's a local call."
There was once a Catholic Bishop who was very proud of his parish and he
was walking down a street and he came acrosss a young boy wholding some new
born puppies. he asked the boy what was the religion of the puppies. the
reply was Catholic Father. This made the Bishop very happy. the next day he
again walked down this street and saw the boy, he again asked the religion
of the Pups and got the same reply. A short time later the Bishop was
entertaining his Cardinal and thought I would show him how devoted my
parish is, so he took the cardinal down the street to where the boy was
playing and asked what religion are your puppies young man. The reply came"
They are are Mormon, Father." The Bishop was shocked and said" but the
other day you said they were catholic. The boy smiled and said "the other
day they were blind and could not see but now their eyes are opened."
A primary president, a high councilman, and a bishop sat on the front row
of a airplane flight that, unfortunately, was hijacked. When the hijackers'
demands were refused, they threatened to shoot some passengers, starting
with the first row. The primary president promptly asked for one last wish.
She wanted to sing her favorite primary song. The hijacker said that would
be fine, then asked the high councilman and bishop if they also had a last
wish. The high councilman requested that after the song he be allowed to
stand and give the talk he had prepared to give in sacrament meeting that
next Sunday. The hijacker agreed, then turned to the bishop. The bishop
motioned for the hijacker to come closer and whispered in his ear, "Please
shoot me after the song."
This is originally from a physician in Utah. I work part-time as a teacher
of family doctors. The program provides training on psychiatric disorders
and emphasizes the importance of emotional support. The new doctors are
given plenty of time in clinic to visit with their patients and learn about
their challenges. One of our interns who has never lived in Utah and knows
nothing about Mormons is still struggling to understand the cultural
climate here. Last week he was interviewing a new patient and stumbled on
what he thought was a raging psychosis.
Doctor: "Well, Mrs. Olsen, we've talked about your high blood pressure and
your medications. Are you experiencing any particular stress in your life?"
Patient: "Oh, yes! It's the Sunbeams. They're driving me crazy."
Doctor (very surprised): "The sun beams?"
Patient: "Yes. I've never had trouble with them before, but this group
won't sit still. They bounce all over the room, and run out the door and
down the hall."
Doctor (reaching for a pen): "Have you told anyone about this?"
Patient: "Of course. I told the president."
Doctor: "Really! What did the president tell you?"
Patient: "She said Sunbeams are like that. I'm just going to have to learn
to deal with them."
Doctor (concerned that he may be missing something): "I know people who are
sensitive to sun beams. Do they cause you a rash or anything?"
Patient (confused): "A rash? No."
Doctor: "What's the biggest problem they're creating?"
Patient: "It's the noise. They just won't quit talking."
Doctor (astonished): "The sun beams are talking to you?"
Patient: "Well, yes. But mostly they talk to each other."
Doctor (scribbling furiously in the chart): "I see. Can anyone else hear
them talking?"
Patient (after a moment of stunned silence): "You're not LDS, are you?"
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a
limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the
chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have
much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the
Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope hopped onto Route 95. Though he wasn't used to the car, he was
doing very well. Suddenly, there were the blue lights of our friendly State
Police in his mirror.
The Pope pulled over and the trooper comes to his window. "Your tail lights
are out. Let me see your license and insurance information." Then the
trooper noticed who it was. "Oh, excuse me. Would you mind waiting here
while I call this one in?" The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief.
He told the chief, "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I
need to know what to do."
The chief asked "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper said,""No, even
more important." The chief asked, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper
replied "No, even more important." "It's isn't the President, is it?" "No,
more important," answered the trooper. "Well WHO is it!," screamed the
chief.
"I don't know" said the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
(A True Story) During a sacrament meeting, a little boy made a big
disturbance. After several minutes of trying to quiet this noisy
three-year-old, the mother desperately handed him to the father, who was
seated on the aisle close to the front of the chapel. By this time the
noise distracted the speaker and audience, and everyone was very conscious
of the parents' plight. The father's patience was much shorter than the
mother's. In a few moments he put the little boy over his shoulder, stood
up, and started for the back door. Looking back over his father's shoulder
and sensing his determined steps, the little boy became quiet and
apprehensive. Just as the father approached the rear door of the chapel,
the little fellow reached his arms out toward the stand and shouted,
"Bishop, help!"
Contributed by Elder Dallin H. Oaks of Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during
General Conference on 4/5/97
A ward house was in need of painting, but there was no budget to buy paint
and pay someone to paint it. The bishop asked a member of the ward who was
a painting contractor if he would donate his labor towards the cause. The
brother agreed, the paint was purchased and delivered to his home. As the
contractor looked at all the paint and imagined the hours it would require
for him to complete the church job, he was tempted. He thought to himself
that if he thinned the paint some he would be able to have to some paint
that he could use in his business which would reimburse him somewhat for
all of his effort.
He completed the job Saturday night and thought that all would be well as
long as it didn't rain before the paint dried. Alas, he woke up Sunday
morning to pouring rain. He went to the meeting house and saw the bishop
shaking his head as he watched the paint running from the building. The
contractor was humbled and apologetic. The bishop accepted his confession
and gave him this advice, "Repaint, repaint! And thin no more."
A Catholic Priest, A Baptist Preacher, and a Mormon Bishop went fishing in
a boat together. After awhile, the Catholic Priest ran out of bait. So he got
up, stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the shore, and
returned the same way with more bait. Soon after, the Mormon Bishop also
ran out of bait and did the same. Finally the Baptist Preacher ran out of
bait and not wanting to be out done by the other two, stepped out of the boat and
immediately sank down into the water. The others grabbed him and helped him back
into the boat. As they watched the cold, confused Preacher trying to figure out why he
could'nt do it, the Catholic Priest finnally laughed and whispered to the Mormon Bishop,
"Should we tell him about the rocks beneath the water?" The Bishop, obviously
confused, said, "What rocks?"
On the early years of marriage. "The young years are often those when
either husband or wife--or both--may still be in school or in those
earliest and leanest stages of developing the husband's breadwinning
capacities. Finances fluctuate daily between low and nonexistent. The
apartment is usually decorated in one of two smart designs--Deseret
Industries provincial or early Mother Hubbard. The car, if there is one,
runs on smooth tires and an empty tank. But with night feedings and night
teethings, often the greatest challenge of all for a young mother is simply
fatigue. Through these years, mothers go longer on less sleep and give more
to others with less personal renewal for themselves than any other group I
know at any other time in life. It is not surprising when the shadows under
their eyes sometimes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island."
Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97
A true story, as originally related by a Church security guard. President
Kimball was on an overseas tour, and was keeping a grueling schedule
despite flagging health. It was unending. Tour this mission, go to that
meeting, speak at this conference - wave after wave of work. His secretary,
Brother Haycock, was getting concerned. One day, when President Kimball
inquired as to the next item on the agenda, the secretary informed him that
they had scheduled in some time for him to take a nap. President Kimball
was visibly displeased, and responded "I think I understand...you are
trying to save me." "Yes" his secretary replied. Without hesitation,
President Kimball said: "But I don't want to be saved. I want to be
exalted!"
An ecclesiastical leader really loved golf. He was also very busy with all
of his church responsibilities. It seemed that every time he set aside a
little time to play golf, another problem would come up and he would have
to go help. Finally, it looked like he had a whole afternoon off.
Unfortunately, it was on the Sabbath, but the leader rationalized that
since he had spent so much time on church things on other days of the week,
it would be all right to use part of the Sabbath to do a non-Sabbath thing.
So he sneaked off to the golf course. It was a beautiful day, but
surprisingly almost no one was around to watch him break the Sabbath day.
On the first hole, he got a hole in one. He was stunned. He had never
gotten a hole-in-one before! All of his golfing buddies would never believe
it! The second hole, he also got a hole-in-one. It was amazing! Two in a
row! He couldn't wait to tell his wife! The third, fourth, and fifth holes
were all holes in one. At the end of the course, the leader had only taken
18 strokes, a course record. He could get his name and the date engraved on
a plaque in the clubhouse and get a free dinner for him and three friends.
Moses was up in heaven watching all of this with God. "Why did you let him
do so well? Shouldn't he be punished?" God replied, "He is. Who could he
tell?"
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
A freshman in college started his first day of classes.
His philosophy professor was clearly an atheist, and started the day by saying the following:
"Students, is there anyone here who can see God? If so, raise your hand.
If there is anyone here who can hear God, raise your hand.
If there is anyone who can smell God, raise your hand."
After a short pause, with no response from the students, he concluded,
"Since no one can see, smell or hear God, there is no God."
A student then raised his hand and asked to address the class.
The student approached the class and asked,
"Students, can anyone here see the professor's brain?
Can anyone hear or smell the professor's brain?"
After a short pause, he concluded, "Since no one else can see, hear or smell the professor's brain,
I conclude that he has no brain!"
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